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Caution: This blog delves into a sensitive subject matter that may evoke strong emotions or be unsettling for some readers. Please proceed with care and self-awareness.

Source: https://unsplash.com/photos/P-JX1Agg0Ts

I write this with a trembling hand, my core quivering with fear, yet slowly finding solace in the healing process. On the 13th of May 2023, I crossed the threshold into my twenty-fifth year, burdened by an inexplicable dread. To my friends and family, I confided my apprehension, living in the shadow of twenty-four, haunted by the looming specter of twenty-five. You see, I had convinced myself that by this age, people had it all figured out—their careers, relationships, and finances neatly aligned. While health and spirituality require a gradual unfolding, I believed that by twenty-five, I would have, at the very least, devised a plan for those three pillars: career, relationships (both romantic and friendly), and finances.

As I traversed my twenty-four years, I found fulfillment in all three aspects of life. However, as my twenty-fifth birthday approached, my job slipped away, my relationships wavered in uncertain territories, and my finances plummeted without the security of a steady income. I had made a conscious decision to leave my job at the end of March 2023, not out of animosity with my employer (I had the best team) but to carve out a path for the next decade of my life. And guess what? I did it. I painstakingly crafted a plan and set timelines to guide me toward my goals—career aspirations, financial milestones, and nurturing relationships with unwavering dedication. For health and spiritual well-being, I resolved to continue the daily work, knowing they were of utmost importance.

The initial weeks went smoothly, until Murphy’s Law materialized in all its ominous glory, casting its shadow upon me. “Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong,” they say. And it did.

Embarking on the journey of self-actualization has proven to be the most arduous challenge of my twenty-five years. To me, self-actualization means comprehending who you are, identifying the elements that bring you happiness, and finding contentment in the present moment—grasping the intricate tapestry of your past experiences. This, my friends, is no easy feat. It demands shedding desires, learning new ways of being, unburdening oneself from the past, and engaging in relentless battles within your own mind. These battles are fought solo, though with the grace of a higher power. And it is during this period, from April to June, that I experienced the depths of depression, teetering on the edge of suicide not once, but twice. My emotional pendulum swung wildly, as if I were caught in the turbulent whirlpool of bipolar disorder—ecstatic one moment, breaking household items the next. I felt anger towards God, yet sought solace in prayer. I swayed between happiness and anger, joy and despair. And throughout it all, I wore a mask of normalcy, concealing my turmoil from most, baring my soul only now as I write about my depression and my failed attempts at ending my own life.

Many argue that reaching out to friends and family should be the natural response when faced with such trials. Trust me, I now understand why it isn’t as straightforward as it seems. The battles we wage within ourselves are rarely comprehensible to those on the outside, and even if they do understand (from my perspective, at least), their instinct is to fix external factors—money, food, employment—without truly comprehending that the war within must first be won. I am grateful for the friends and family who stand beside me, ready to lend their support whenever I need it. However, even at my lowest point, I could not summon the courage to candidly express my struggles. Instead, I turned to God, posing troubling questions, weeping in the solitude of the night, wrestling with my thoughts. But amidst the darkness, a flicker of hope emerged.

In late June, I surrendered this relentless battle to God, for alone I was losing—mentally, physically, and emotionally. I had become a liar, deceiving those around me with a facade of well-being. A significant event paved the way for my surrender. One morning, I randomly placed my Bible on my bed, not with the intention of reading it but merely to relocate it from my desk. To my astonishment, the pages that greeted me were Psalms 39-41. I read. I share this not to embellish the incident or pass it off as anything other than divine intervention, but the moment I absorbed those verses, my heart shattered. There was one particular passage that spoke of God dismantling the very thing David cherished, piercing my heart and unleashing a torrent of tears. I wept, I prayed, and I offered myself up to God, pleading for forgiveness and guidance. I acknowledged that my own path had failed and entrusted myself entirely to His will. Though I am still in the process of healing, this act of surrender has made my internal battles slightly more conquerable. Yes, tears still stain my cheeks in the stillness of the night, but this time, I do so knowing and accepting that God’s will shall prevail. Truly, His will be done. Like David, I strive to seek God’s direction in everything I do and surrender to His divine plan. However, I am also learning to embrace the fact that sometimes, even our best efforts can result in defeat—a vital lesson on my lifelong journey.

This path I tread is far from easy. To my beloved family and friends, who undoubtedly yearn to help, please know that I will be okay. I apologize for excluding you from my struggle, but it is a daunting task to expose those I love to my darkest moments, as it would only intensify my own anguish. So, I have sought solace in asking God the tough questions, shedding tears under the cover of night, and wrestling with my inner demons. Nevertheless, there is one indisputable truth: we must pray for one another. There were days when the prayers of my parents and friends carried me when I lacked the strength to pray for myself. Furthermore, I implore you all to marry your best friend—the person who exudes unparalleled support. Though I have not yet walked down that aisle, the unwavering backing I have received from my mom and dad has made me realize the profound importance of having a partner who understands and supports you unconditionally. When life takes a foul turn, we need someone who comprehends that something within us requires mending.

To all of you, I extend my love. I want you to know that I am healing, that I am okay. I kindly request that you refrain from probing further, for this journey of life and growth is still underway. However, I felt compelled to openly address why I have remained silent, declined social invitations, and concealed the true state of my mind. Rest assured, all shall be well, for I trust in the guiding hand of my Creator, knowing that He is firmly in control.